“90% of being married is just shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms.” – Unknown
Earlier this year, Alan and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. I use the word “celebrated” loosely as there was very little fanfare involved. That’s because Alan has been very committed to his triathlon training since we started the sport three years ago…
Lisa: “It’s your birthday! How should we celebrate it?”
Alan: “How about a romantic swim at the pool?”
Lisa: “It’s our anniversary! How should we celebrate it?”
Alan: “How about a romantic swim at the pool?”
Lisa: “It’s my birthday! How should we celebrate it?”
Alan: “How about a romantic swim at the pool?”
I’m not sure what’s sadder – how we celebrate special occasions, or the fact that our swim times have barely improved in the last three years.
***
Emboldened by 10 years of marriage, Alan seems to think that he can say just about anything with impunity…
A Year Older…
Lisa: “Oh my God – another white hair! Honey, come here and help me pull it out.”
Alan walks into the bathroom with a pair of tweezers. He pulls out the white hair in question, as well as a few others, showing Lisa each one afterwards.
Lisa: “Yikes. Maybe the next time I’m lying on the couch with my head on your lap, you can pull out all of my white hairs while I watch a TV show.”
Alan ruffles and inspects Lisa’s hair.
Alan: “You better make that a movie.”
If the Clothes Fit…
I had just come in from a frigid winter run and stripped off my clothes to take a shower…
Lisa: “Honey, look at this. The skin on my belly is so cold and pink. But not on my chest or anywhere else, just my belly. Why is that?”
Alan: “Well, you need an air pocket to stay warm. You need some space between your skin and clothes for air flow.”
Lisa: “Oh, so what you’re saying is that I need a larger, looser jacket.”
Alan stares directly at Lisa’s belly.
Alan: “Umm… Not necessarily.”
Top of the Morning to You
Every workday, at precisely 6:45 a.m., Alan irons his dress shirt. Since the ironing board is in our master bedroom, when I have a flex day I don’t really get to sleep in much. I usually just lie in bed and let my eyes acclimatize to the light while Alan irons.
Lisa rolls over to Alan’s side of the bed.
Lisa: “Honey, your pillow is so comfy, and it smells good. It smells like you. You have amazing pheromones! When you were single and dating, did you ever attract any crazy women with just your pheromones alone?
No response.
Lisa: “Did you? Did you hear me? Did you ever attract a crazy woman with your pheromones?”
Alan: “Well… I was going to say that I married one…”
Lisa: “Really? It’s 6:51 a.m. It’s not even 7 o’clock. Is that how you want to start this day?”
For more of these exchanges, read “The Joys of Marriage” – Parts 1 and 2.
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