“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
Disclaimer: These are, of course, tongue-in-cheek conversations intended solely to provoke a response from Alan. He never fails to disappoint!
Lisa: Hey! The guy in that car just cut me off! That’s so dangerous! I can’t believe that. Should I speed up and cut him off? You know, to exact my revenge?
Alan: No, you should not.
Lisa: But revenge is the way of my peoples. You’ve seen our Chinese movies. They’re all about revenge.
Alan: Yes, there is a lot of revenge in them. I will give you that.
Lisa: And yet you would deny me my heritage?
Alan: Yes. I’m really not convinced that revenge is culturally ingrained.
Lisa: [Shoots a squinty-eyed, mock glare at Alan.]
***
Lisa: I’m sick and tired of covidiots and their rallying cry of “I will not live my life in fear!”
Alan: Yeah. No one’s asking them to live their lives in fear – just with a little courtesy for their fellow humans.
Lisa: Exactly. No one’s risk is their own – they’re endangering others. I know that I can’t wish for COVID to literally strike them down, but…
Alan: You know that wishing death upon anyone brings bad karma.
Lisa: Yeah, I know. But what about the loss of a pinky finger or pinky toe due to a COVID complication? Just a little something to serve as a reminder of their selfishness?
Alan: Bad karma.
Lisa: Fine! What’s left then? Can I wish that bad luck befalls them?
Alan: [Pauses momentarily.] Yeah, I think that would be okay.
Lisa: [Sarcastically] Oooh. Yay. “May bad luck befall you.” You just diluted my revenge tea.
Alan: I didn’t know there was such a tea.
Lisa: [Shoots a squinty-eyed, mock glare at Alan.]
***
Lisa: Honey, you’re a spectacular human being. You were probably a saint in a previous life. As a reward, you got sent back as a regular person so that you could have some fun – you know, without the vows of celibacy and such. But with me… You think I’m going to be sent back to repeat this life, again and again, don’t you? Until I’ve lost what you think is my thirst for revenge?
Alan: Baby steps.
Lisa: [Shoots a squinty-eyed, mock glare at Alan.]
***
Lisa: Honey, I really don’t want us to be separated in the afterlife. Since you’re going to be in the VIP line for heaven, can you put in a good word for me?
Alan: I think I’m going to have to ask for an exception.
Lisa: [Shoots a squinty-eyed, mock glare at Alan.]
For more of these exchanges, read “The Joys of Marriage” – Parts 1, 2, and 3.
You must be logged in to post a comment.