“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West, American actress
Happy Valentine’s Day
Alan had just finished making yet another joke at Lisa’s expense…
Lisa: “We’ve been married for 11 years. You’ve been mocking me for the last 10. How about taking a break?”
Alan: “But there’s so much material to get through.”
Lisa: [Laughs.] “Why don’t you just give it a rest for Valentine’s Day?”
Alan: “But if I do… I’m afraid I’ll never get caught up.”
Lisa: [Sighs…]
Alan: [Smiles, clearly pleased with himself.]
***
You Say Poh-Tay-Toe; I Say Poh-Tah-Toe
While preparing dinner…
Lisa: How should we cook these potatoes?
Alan: That depends. Are they waxy potatoes?
Lisa: What the hell is a “waxy” potato?
Alan: You know, the ones that are best for boiling.
Lisa: I repeat, “What the hell is a ‘waxy’ potato?”
Alan: Well… some red potatoes are waxy. So are some white potatoes…
Lisa: So any potato with a colour in front of its name is a “waxy” potato?
Alan: No, not necessarily…
Lisa: These are red potatoes. We can’t roast them because we already have chicken in the oven. What do you want me to do with them?
Alan: [Snobbishly… ] I guess we could mash them. They’re not ideal. Russet potatoes would be better for mashing. Waxy potatoes tend to get a bit gummy when mashed.
Lisa: [Mildly annoyed…] Listen, the only thing about potatoes that I care about is whether or not they’re on sale!
Alan: [Sarcastically…] I hope Malcolm Gladwell has a chapter on waxy potatoes in that book you’re reading.
Lisa: Hey! Don’t try to weaponize my reading material against me!
(Lisa was reading What the Dog Saw and Other Adventures – a compilation of essays on topics such as “What is the difference between choking and panicking?” and “Why are there dozens of varieties of mustard but only one variety of ketchup?”)
Lisa: So which is the best potato for potato soup then – a waxy or non-waxy potato?
Alan: I don’t know.
Lisa: [Sarcastically…] But I thought that you were the all-knowing Malcolm Gladwell of our household.
Alan: Well, I don’t exactly have any competition for the position.
Lisa: [Laughs.] Jerk!
One week later…
Lisa: Thanks for making Shepherd’s Pie for dinner. The potatoes are so nice and fluffy – they must be waxy potatoes!
Alan: Nooo! They’re russets! [Shakes his head and let’s out a big sigh.]
Lisa: [Smiles, clearly pleased with herself.]
***
Tax Time
In anticipation of the upcoming tax season…
Lisa: I did the calculations. It isn’t worth it for us to claim actuals for home office expenses. We’re better off with the temporary flat rate deduction.
Alan: How do you figure?
Lisa: Well, even though we each have our own home offices, neither is by definition a dedicated space for our work. Yours is also your music room and mine is also my personal office and writing space. Besides, if I tried to claim mine as a dedicated space for work, you’d totally rat me out to The Taxman. You’d let them throw me in jail!
Alan: No, I wouldn’t! I still need you to do the grocery shopping.
For more of these exchanges, read “The Joys of Marriage” – Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.
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