The Birthday Ask

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – attributed to Herbert V. Prochnow, toastmaster and writer

I love September.

As someone who thoroughly enjoyed school, I get nostalgic for everything related to the start of a new school year – new stationery, new schedules, new classes, and of course, new things to learn. I’ve often said that I’d be a professional student if it was a paying career!

September is also the month in which I refine my birthday ask. To be clear – my birthday isn’t until December. However, I like to have my response ready for when my husband Alan inevitably asks, “So what do you want for your birthday this year?”

Nowadays, my expectations are necessarily low, given Alan’s track record for birthday wish fulfillment.

The first year he asked, I told Alan that I wanted him to perform a campy dance like what one would see in the 1997 British comedy-drama The Full Monty. Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

Another year, I requested Alan (a guitarist) play and record what I referred to as “The B-Sides” – a compilation of songs suited to my (not his) musical tastes (e.g. Michael Bublé, Ed Sheeran, and Vance Joy – not Van Halen, Metallica, or Iron Maiden). Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

One year, I asked Alan to deliver an original piece of spoken word (i.e. an oral poetic performance) after having been absolutely riveted by Brandon Leake’s performances of the same on America’s Got Talent. Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

The year I was binge-watching Food Network baking shows, I told Alan that I wanted him to bake me a small assortment of petit fours (bite-sized confectioneries). Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

The year in which I completed my first Ironman 70.3 triathlon, I asked Alan for a shoebox diorama, to scale (he’s an engineer after all), of a triathlon transition area, including a miniature replica of my bike and gear. Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

One of my most recent asks was for Alan to rap an Eminem song. I gave him free rein on song choice, but did suggest that anything from the 8 Mile soundtrack would be appropriate. Wish Status: Unfulfilled.

More often than not, Alan reacts to my birthday asks with a gentle sigh, a shaking of the head, and a playful response along the lines of, “Can’t I just buy you a piece of jewelry?” or “How about I put some money in a card?”

To be fair, Alan has fulfilled a handful of birthday wishes. For example, he did plan our outing to get Christmas photos taken with the Grinch and Jack Skellington in separate years, albeit with a hint of protest (“Do you really want to stand in line with all the little kids at the mall for an hour?”).

And in his defense, Alan did unexpectedly buy me a triathlon bike on his 50^th birthday. I had asked him to pay for my online bike order on his credit card after realizing that the cost of the bike, with the USD exchange rate factored in, would exceed my credit card limit, which I had recently lowered. He joked at the time that he found it all rather convenient, but paid for my bike all the same, and refused to let me reimburse him.

And a few years earlier, after we had raced Ironman 70.3 Calgary under miserably wet conditions, I awoke from a nap the following afternoon to discover that he’d cleaned and serviced my road bike. It’s worth noting that this was after I had told him that I had peed on it during the bike portion of the race (not my proudest moment, but apparently one of many rites of passage in the sport of triathlon).

Truth be told, there are more times Alan has done things for me without me asking, than there are unfulfilled birthday wishes.

So, what about this year’s birthday ask? I’m still ruminating on it. Will it go unfulfilled? Maybe. Maybe not. As I’ve learned over the years, I never know when Alan’s going to surprise me!